If your birthday is this week: Your Oscar picks are way off and you’re probably one of the few people to even see “Tooth Fairy” with Dwayne Johnson.
Aries: Don’t give up on your childhood dreams. Someday, you will own a store that sells racecars made out of candy.
Taurus: This week, you will consider changing your long distance provider, then decide against it because you’re such a pussy.
Gemini: Normally, streaking across campus is considered cheeky, wacky fun, but at 43, the stars say it’s time to stop.
Lemini: You’re masturbating to this? Really? What is wrong with you?
Cancer: Your Blockbuster clerk will beg you to rent 15 movies this week. Sadly, you’re just there for some candy.
Leo: This week, the stars say you will finally pass the 15th level. Maybe it’s time to put on pants and check in to see if you still have a job.
Virgo: You will trip and fall during a climb, getting your arm pinned under a rock. Seeing no other choice, you’ll begin to saw your own arm off. That’s when your climbing partner will turn to you and say, “Dude, what the Hell are you doing?”
Libra: The stars say, you’re not fooling anyone with your “ironic” hipster Oscar party. Just watch them because you like it, okay? Your friends just want to get drunk.
Scorpio: The stars say, you’re not fooling anyone with your Oscar party. Your friends have been to your orgies before.
Sagittarius: The stars say, you’re not fooling anyone with your Oscar party. You don’t have any friends.
Capricorn: Your tuba playing hasn’t improved since you started playing a year ago, maybe it’s time to give up before your unstable neighbor downstairs comes up and beats you to death with it.
Aquarius: You’re damn right that tuba shit better stop!
Pisces: You find a freak multicolored M&M in your bag. Nice!
